Intimacy, respect, good communication, a sense of been
valued – these are some of the things that most people will agree make up for
building a healthy relationships.
Research also confirms that the above are keys to building good healthy
relationship. Similarly, fighting,
contempt, criticisms, hostility, violence are also examples or features of an
unhealthy relationship and most times lead to divorce. Aside divorce, this act of criticisms,
violence, and hostility can make one physically and emotionally sick. This is the
reason why we must work towards building a healthy relationship.
Many people might not know how to have a happy
relationship and no amount of pre-marital education can make up bad partner
choice. So what should we do?
Joanne Davila and team have come up with skills based
module of relationship functioning that will help people create the atmosphere
that will lead to a healthy relationship and reduce the behaviours of unhealthy
ones. The 3 skills are: insight,
mutuality and emotion regulation that form the basis of what is called romantic
competence. Romantic competence is
the ability to function adaptively across all areas and all aspects of the
relationship process from figuring out what you need to finding the right
person, to building healthy relationship and getting out of unhealthy ones.
INSIGHT: Insight is about awareness and
understanding and learning. So with
insight, you have a better idea of who you are, what you need, what you want
and why you do the things that you do.
For instance if you see your partner talking to the opposite sex,
insight will tell you not to jump into conclusions because the person might be
a school mate, a childhood friend, or a relative and more even a business
associate. So you have to stay cool and
don’t worry about what you are seeing because your thought may be wrong. With insight, you will be able to anticipate a
positive and negative consequences of your behavior. With insight, you have a better understanding
about what is really right in a relationship.
Example if you can tell your partner to take things slow because you’re
not ready for a long term relationship.
MATURITY: maturity is about knowing that both
parties have needs and that both needs matter.
With maturity, you will be able to convey your own needs in a clear
direct fashion that increases the likelihood of having them met. For example you want to attend a program but
then you want your partner to go with you so you find a sweet way to convince them
to accept your proposal.
EMOTION REGULATION (e.r.): it is the art of regulating your feelings
in response to things happening in your relationship. With emotion regulation
you will be able to keep things calm and keep things happening in your relationship
in perspective. With emotion regulation,
instead of shouting at your partner or criticizing for the wrong that they’ve
done, you will be like “dear it’s okay let’s talk about it.” So with e.r, you
will be able to maintain a sense of self-respect and commitment to your needs
even when bad things happen in your relationship. Let’s say you have a break up and you are
really missing your partner so with e.r you are gonna let yourself know that it
is okay. Everything will be alright.
Romantic competence is about using insight, maturity,
and emotional regulation to reduce behaviours that does not lead to a healthy
relationships like fighting, and poor support and hostility and criticisms and
contempt and violence and rather create the things that leads to healthy
relationship like intimacy, security, respect, and good communication and a sense
of been valued – if this is at work, we all will enjoy good and healthy
relationship.
Inspired by Joanne Davila, TEDx
INCREDIBLE PRINCE
RECOMMENDED: 12 KILLERS OF LOVE RELATIONSHIP
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